We're not afraid of challenges. It's like we always say: if you want to go out in the rain, be prepared to get burned. -Anonymous Brazillian Soccer Player

How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby. -Anonymous Manufacturer

Traffic is very heavy at the moment, so if you are thinking of leaving now, you'd better set off a few minutes earlier. -Anonymous Traffic Report

We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather. -Arab News report

Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. -Batman Costume warning label

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -Yogi Berra, baseball catcher, manager

It was pretty good. Even the music was nice. -Yogi Berra, after attending an opera

The private enterprise system indicates that some people have higher incomes than others. -Gerry Brown, California governor

All I was doing was appealing for an endorsement, not suggesting you endorse it. -George Bush, US President

It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another. -George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions --but I don't always agree with them. -George Bush, US President

Not only is he ambidextrous, but he can throw with either hand.
Duffy Daugherty , football coach and sports analyst`


Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Life is very important to Americans. -Bob Dole, U.S. Senator from Kansas

If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record. -Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

I don't think anyone should write his autobiography until after he's dead. -Samuel Goldwyn

A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn

Why only twelve?
Samuel Goldwyn, while filming The Last Supper, (attributed)

You will find it a distinct help if you know and look as if you know what you are doing.
IRS Training Manual for tax auditors

Please provide the date of your death. from an
IRS letter

And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?
Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House, to a group of people in wheelchairs on Disability Day

All you have to do is go down to the bottom of your swimming pool and hold your breath.
David Miller, US DOE spokesperson, on protecting yourself from nuclear radiation

Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Reverand William Spooner, of Oxford, England (for whom the 'Spoonerism' is named)

I've read about foreign policy and studied -- I know the number of continents.
George Wallace, 1968 presidential campaign

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

*We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car.
*We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
*We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
* Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
*We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don't know half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
* We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
* We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
* We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
* In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
*We are the only people in the world who will pay $6.00 to park our car while eating a $.39 sandwich.
*We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
*We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power.
*We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
*We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope attached to a helicopter, ten men and one woman. They all decided that one person should let go because if someone didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman, fighting back her tears, gave a very touching speech stating that she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands, families and children, and giving in to men in general.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping........

Never underestimate the power of a Woman!!!

*I wish you a shaft of sunlight on the gloomiest of days.
*I wish you a long, lazy morning with breakfast in bed.
*I wish you the sound of your children's laughter.
*I wish that no matter how much it rains, your socks never get wet.
*I wish you a kiss in the moonlight from someone you love.
*I wish you always get a seat by the window.
*I wish you patience, becomes sometimes the world will insist on walking when you want to run.
*I wish you the abandon to dance badly at weddings.
*I wish you a good memory, except for grievances.
*I wish you rainbows and fireworks.
*I wish that no matter how venerable an age you attain, at least once a year you splah in a puddle.
*I wish that you never fear failure, for doing so makes it hard to succeed.
*I wish that your never the last to laugh.
*I wish you a mountain to climb and the will to do it.
*I wish you passion.
*I wish you the vision that lets you see the good in others and the faults in yourself.
*I wish that you know where the fuse box is whenever the lights go out.
*I wish you heroes.
*I wish that when you're blessed with old age, you have memories to feast on and a mind that's still hungry.
*I wish that no matter how tall you walk, you never look down on those around you.
*I wish you the strength to face your fears, to recognize them as part of yourself, and still move on.
*I wish that you find your own path through the forest.
*I wish you courage.
*I wish that once a year, you ditch work early and go see a movie in the afternoon.
*I wish you laugh lines, not wrinkles.
*I wish you the senses to laugh at the world and all its absurdities, and the wisdom to laugh at yourself before others do.
*I wish that you see that beauty lies in the shadows as well as in the sun.
*I wish that you can feel my hand in yours whenever you need it.
*I wish you a home as welcoming as a mother's embrace.
*I wish that you always have one wish left.

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back
of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have
call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard
box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

17:41 13 July 2005
NewScientist.com news service
Andy Coghlan

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