1.FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
2. FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
3. NOTHING: This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
4. GO AHEAD: (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
5. GO AHEAD: (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
7. SOFT SIGH: Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
8. THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".
9. GO AHEAD!: At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
10. PLEASE DO: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
11. THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome. "
12. THANKS A LOT: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

One basic truth: Men and women are different.

Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first and members of our gender second.

This, of course, was so much hooey.

We are different -- in our habits, in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.

My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women.

Read More...

1. Inside every older lady is a younger lady--wondering what the hell happened. by Cora Harvey Armstrong
2. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. unknown
3. The hardest years in life are those between 10 and seventy. by Helen Hayes (at 73)
4. I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. by Janette Barber
5. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
6. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
7.Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
8.My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. Erma Bombeck
9. Old age ain't no place for sissies. Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
10.The phrase "working mother"! is redundant. Jane Sellman
11.Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
12. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton
13. Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. Caryn Leschen
14. I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
15. If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. Catherine
16. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
17. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde. Dolly Parton
18. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
19. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
20. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.. Elayne Boosler
21. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
22. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
23. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Gabor-

While you know that eating chocolate and exchanging cards are in full force come February 14, you may not know about these interesting V-Day facts:

In the Middle Ages, young men and women drew names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. They would wear these names on their sleeves for one week, coining the term, "to wear your heart on your sleeve."

Europeans in the Middle Ages believed that birds chose their mates each year on February 14. Some people believed that if a woman saw a robin flying overhead on Valentine's Day, it meant she would marry a sailor. If she saw a sparrow, she would marry a poor man but be very happy. If she saw a goldfinch, she would marry a millionaire.

Some people said that if you found a glove on the road on Valentine's Day, your future beloved would have the matching glove.

A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realized he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

From Croatia: Dog Gives Flasher His Come-Uppance
Zagreb - A drunken Croat flasher got more excitement than he bargained for when he pushed his penis through a woman's fence and her dog bit it, local newspapers said on Friday.
The visibly drunk man was walking down the street and started swearing and shouting at the woman for no reason. He then shoved his penis through her fence, unaware her dog was on the other side, police said.
The bitten man himself reported the incident to the police.
The 36-year-old was taken to hospital with light injuries but later sent home. He will be charged with "insulting the moral feelings of citizens" and "violation of public order."

Meanwhile, in the UK: Thief runs into 20 off-duty policemen on golf course
A suspected thief found himself in a hole when he fled a crime scene and ran straight into a police golf tournament.
The 30-year-old sped across the 13th fairway to hide, but was instead confronted by 20 off-duty policemen.
They spotted the suspect dashing towards undergrowth and gave chase after a police helicopter circled overhead, at the course near Chesterfield.
A police spokeswoman said: "The officers were taking part in a golf tournament when they saw the man dashing across the course.
"He seemed to be acting suspiciously and once the force helicopter was seen overhead, four of them gave chase and detained him."
The officers detained the suspect at Tapton Golf Course in the incident last week until a police car arrived to take the man to a local police station.
Police confirmed that a man has since been charged with burglary and theft and has been remanded in custody by magistrates in Chesterfield.

Mommy and Clyde
A young man asked his mother to drive him to the bank without telling her he planned to rob it. He told her to wait while he went inside to conduct his business. A few minutes later junior came running out with the cash, only to find that mom had parked the car and gone inside a nearby grocery store to do some shopping.


Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
A Cleveland drug dealer decided to impress his friends by hiring a limousine for a big night on the town. His first stop was at a posh suburban residence to sell some cocaine to a rather influential individual. Hoping to earn a little extra profit by blackmailing his wealthy customer, the crook handed a camcorder to the limo driver and asked him to record the event for posterity. The driver, a moonlighting member of the Cleveland Police Department, was happy to comply.


The trooper and juggler
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolman for speeding.
As the officer was writing the ticket, he noticed several machetes in the car.
"What are those for?" he asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.
Just then, another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now."