One basic truth: Men and women are different.
Now, this may seem a little simplistic, but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973, it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons first and members of our gender second.
This, of course, was so much hooey.
We are different -- in our habits, in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.
My personal observations have uncovered many significant differences between men and women.
First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or in some unfortunate circumstances "that time when Suzie and I were doing it on a semi- regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and then she will write a poem entitled "All Men are Morons". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months his ex may not hear from him, but then at three on a Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and i'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you are a total uuups. But I want you to know that there is always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I hate you/I love you" drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career out of these calls. there are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered part of foreplay.
Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Women look good in hats; Men look like idiots.
A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of things she needs, and then goes and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are half a line and an opened can of Schiltz. He then goes grocery shopping. A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed higher than the Clampett's car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on by the sight of a naked woman's body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chickenscratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "q's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she is dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of their favorite Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will groan, roll their eyes and wait it out.
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's restrooms always have long lines.
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her make-up.
Women love cats. Men say they love cats and kick them when women aren't looking.
When preparing to go to work a woman puts on a Mondi wool suit, then slips on her Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a elastic bag from Saks. when she gets to work she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she is walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them anytime she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in A Chorus Line.
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas' head.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy french cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to each other. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about children. She knows about dentists appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams. Every year, men have to be reminded of his children's birthdays.
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Gee, that must have hurt". The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive around in circles for hours, all the while saying things like, "Look honey, I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I am in the general area, I recognize that White Hen store".
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of the slick guy who works at the health club and dates married women.
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
With the exception of women body builders who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint and Jack goes out for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain and Useless.
... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, Car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, bleeps and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The woman comes back after 5 or 6 days later to an apartment full of dead plants, no-one knows why this happens.
Some men look good with moustaches. These men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Men take photography very seriously. They will shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build darkrooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football and women, they exaggerate about money, they don't know about football nearly as well as they think they do and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room -- sex. And not in abstract terms either. They are extremely graphic and technical and they never lie.
Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about 8 years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty laundry to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh and All-American. Male cheerleaders are scary.
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweat socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use their garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages and they build useless topsided benches in garages.
For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone with the Wind. For men it when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clarke's face in Public Enemy.
NUDITY IN MOVIES
Every actress in the history of films has had to do a nude scene. This is because every film in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor to appear nude in a movie is Richard Gere. This is another reason men hate him.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a singer called Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever wear anything other than solid white.